Here are a few tips to help you procrastinate more effectively:
1) Think Your Special – Thinking you’re special will help you procrastinate more effectively. You will continue living through life waiting for your great skills and talents to be “discovered” by the world. By thinking you’re special you will do less work, because your “specialness” will help you find ways to do things easier, faster, more effectively (if you ever chose to do those things in the first place).
2) Tell Everyone Your Plans – Telling everyone your plans will take away the guilt of not actually doing them. Everyone assumes you’re brilliant and a genius because you can come up with grandiose plans to do amazingly extraordinary things that could possibly change the universe. You can continue to look at yourself as successful, because you have big plans and everyone knows it!
3) Never Finish Anything – Finishing something only means that you’ll have to do something else. The best way to never finish anything is by starting to do everything. They say it’s not the destination that’s important, but it’s the journey that matters, right? So take those words to heart, and take on numerous journeys, and never finish any of them. Oh, and make sure you tell people about the “new” journey, every time.
4) Blame Everything on Everyone – It’s not your fault that you are a procrastinating loser! The world is against you! People don’t help you! You don’t have the money or resources! You don’t have time! You have to take care of other things! Your life’s miserable! You’ll be successful one day, but you have to get some things taken care of first! (NOTE: As a bonus, blaming someone or something is a great way to stop a new project and take on another one.)
5) Be A Victim – Being a victim is one of the best excuses to procrastinate more effectively. Become the victim of something tragic and look for people to pity you. This way people can’t demand and expect things from you, which gives you more room to procrastinate. Tell everyone how things are not going right in your life and watch those suckers feel sorry for you! Remember, it’s not your fault you procrastinate! You’re a victim!
6) Do It When the Time’s Right – Don’t do it right now! Wait until it feels right, or when you have more time, or when you’re not tired, or when you have more money, or when you’re not hungry, or after you make your coffee, or after the TV show, or after it stops raining, or even better, do it Monday or Tuesday so that you can start off the week right! Besides, if you’re not in the mood to do it, don’t do it at all. Wait until you’re in the mood. Procrastinate until you feel better.
7) Get Addicted – One of the fail-proof ways to procrastinate better is to get addicted to something: Do drugs, or become an alcoholic. Even better and safer, watch unlimited amounts of pornography. Yes! You can search for hours at a time for porn videos on the internet, and after that, then you can start doing what you need to do. Why do it now when you can do it later? Go get stimulated by some porn so that it can help you become more focused on what really matters! And if you can drink and watch porn at the same time, then you’re a real winner! After watching porn, you can start that new project you’ve been meaning to start, BUT not before making a sandwich and taking a nap. Then you’ll have to watch more porn to wake up, and make another sandwich. This is truly the funnest way to procrastinate!
Hope these tips help you procrastinate even more, but in reality, true procrastinators did not finish reading all seven tips. Great job!